Wednesday, September 07, 2005

and life moves on

"he just wanders around, unaffected by the winter winds and he'll pretend that he's somewhere else, so far and clear about two thousand miles from here" - Jack Johnson - Poor Taylor. That is a good summary of me and my life right now, and probably for a while. i went surfing today after class, just not that same feel as costa rica. the waves wernt working, and i was just getting frustrated but a few good rides, and i was just grateful to be in the water again. everything is moving at its own pace, me included. life is working its hands on me slowly, and i try and do like i do with the waves, and just work with it, and be one with it. its difficult to explain really, i guess im just in a little slump. there isnt really a reason for it, i just feel it. i can pull out and everything is great, but as soon as i let my mind wonder, there it is again, looming over me like a cloud. sure i have my health, im in school doing decent, i have a good job, great friends, parents, but i dunno. a part of me is missing. maybe the part of me, i left back in costa rica, when i boarded that plane. i left something there, something in that little town, on the beaches, in my hammock. maybe its a part of me i left with the people. my life is working like an old silent movie, and i go about my day, interacting where needed and wanted, and putting forth the effort to get out of bed, but somehow, im missing something in my heart. night after night i look at my costa rica pics, and i just try and remember that feeling i had when i was there, that piece of me i left, and i try and feel whole again. so many things in our lives, that we all wish we could change. i have so many, and the things i regret the most, are the people i have hurt in my past. all of these things combined, just cause this hole to grow, and become deeper, never to be filled. i keep looking at flights to costa rica, el salvador, panama, and just counting the days till im central america bound again. why is it that life and society tell us to do the things we love and want to do with our lives, but at the same time, it makes it so hard to do so? it tells us, pursue your dreams, do what you dream about, but yet it creates this invisible wall, an impenetrable force that holds us here, and keeping us "in the mix". slowly, i realize that im afraid. im afraid to pursue my dream, because our society says that our dreams are meant to be pursued, as long as they are appropriate and keep us responsible adults. im afraid to do the things i want to do with my life, because society and everyone in it will not accept my decions as being rational. the truth is, i want to run away. i want to roam the land, and explore the things that i have not seen. i want to live in a tropcial climate, and surf non stop. i want to see the world, without that "tourist" label on my head. i want to quit my job, take some time off school, and see just what is out there, and what it has to offer me. yet somehow, im afraid, and thats what saddens me so much. im afraid of my own dreams, and thats whats so damn pathetic. so here we are now, coming up on my 21st, and im still firmly planted in everything i have grown up knowing. sure i have enlightened myself way beyond normal comparison to other people, but what is enlightenment without experience? what good are these regrets i hold on to? where is my ding repair kit, to fix this hole i have in my heart? tomarrow i will wake up, and do it all over again, and live moves on.

1 comment:

Damien said...

Use your passion to push yourself into a position where a job is optional.

Then go play. :)