The Apprehension of Accomplishing Your Dreams

The time is getting close to departure. Im nervous. Am I ready for this? Is the van ready for this? What will I do for money when I return? Will I be able to stay on my budget?

The apprehension has been building steadily over the past few months and I often find myself completely unexcited about my upcoming trip. Ive been trying to conjure the memories of my trips past, the people, the food and the good waves but so far nothing has really been working. Ive even started re-reading "In Search of Captain Zero" by Allan Weisbecker to try and rekindle my fire of adventure.

In truth, I think everyone must go through this phase before taking the final step of your dreams. Accomplishing dreams can be a scary thing especially when they have uncertain futures in store for you. Maybe this is all the last bit of negativity and the world trying to pull me back, to keep me from doing what I want to do with my life. Either way, its weighing heavily on my mind.

Other parts of me think that Ive just started to become too "normalized", if there is such a thing. Ive become semi comfortable with the 8-6pm schedule, working mon-fri, health insurance and the money. Ive slowly let down my guard and bam I got blindsided by what I refer to as American Mediocrity, on the onrush of living a life unexamined and unadventurous. I must fight these urges at all costs for they are the very thing that will destroy who I am. I am unwilling to roll over and die the death I watch so many go through, struggling to find a purpose in their lives and some sense of being. Life is what you make it and Im trying to regain control over mine after being apparently asleep at the wheel for a tad too long. That was my safety mechanism at first, just be barely functional and hardly conscious in my day to day goings and time will fly by. That was true and worked for the most part but what I didnt see coming was the slow but steady degradation of my beliefs, confidence and dreams. Now is the time to get this train back on the tracks.

I refuse to let myself be frightened anymore by American media, political scare mongering and frankly everyone around me including my family. "They'll kill you down there!" my Mom said. "I dont know why you want to throw away your life for some silly adventure" - people at work say. "They dont even have functional police down there!" - says the uninformed masses. "Do they have hospitals? How will you stay healthy??" - says the other group of uninformed masses. American media has done a fantastic job of making everyone in this country afraid of their own damn shadows and frankly its just sad. Couple that with a blind patriotism and belief system that teaches us from birth that we are indeed "BETTER" than everyone in the world and you get a soupy mix of misguided advice from people who dont know anything about anywhere Im headed, much less a major city a couple of states over in our own country. I find it hilarious that people continue to riddle me with advice and horror stories about places Im headed that they themselves cannot even find on a map! All of this has taken a heavy toll on me as one can only ignore so much, especially when I throw my life on autopilot for a few years to bide time. Id like to thank those that read this that have contributed to the behaviour I outlined above, you have done nothing but scare me and attempt to ruin my dreams. Ill remember to piss all over your desires and dreams, when and if you ever have the balls to form any.

Im still searching for that feeling I used to have when I would set out on adventures. Hell, Im searching for the feeling I should be having about finally accomplishing my dream, a dream some 5 years in the making! It has been a long and hard road filled with bad direction and shitty side streets. But here we are, 49 days from departure. Im sure my anxiety and apprehension will give way to the ultimate high that is living your dream, I just have to get rid of this mental block and constant negativity around me. As my best friend Rami told me the other day, this close to leaving and possibly never returning again.... You're either with me, or You're not. In the latter case, get out of my way.