cant think of a damn title

well, that is pretty much how the night is going. i have seriously sunk to an all time low now. my head is just a fucking massive swirling of thoughts and general randomness. a chance arose for janna and i to possibly get back together, but that was quickly shot down. i have been trying to talk to her and just kinda talk about things, and i guess tonight was the night. lets start with a shitty fucking day, i woke up late and was 10 min late for my philosophy class, so i missed a reading quiz. in general im screwing up school lately. moving on... before i really loose it, janna and i went to see a movie, and im in an ultra depressed mood. so we ditch the movie because it sucks, and we discuss us on the way back to my house. ever get that feeling that u are a massive walking disaster, or fuckup might be a better term, but yea, know what im saying? i have been friends with her for the past 6 months,and i will always be a good friend to, but i will always have something in my heart for her. i cannot explain it. it seems that the more time passes and we remain friends, i realize what i really threw away, well, on my grand scale of fuckups, litterly nuked it. she pretty much told me all of my "wonderful" things i tend to do, that makes her not want to be in a relationship with me, not that i can say i blame her after what i heard. not really super super bad shit, but little things that make a person feel like they are not #1 in your life, add up fast. not to mention, i cheated on the girl. i know, i know. i know what you are thinking. yes, i have already thought of drowning myself in the toilet. so, with this new load of shit, i move on. i sit here, typing this, wondering what step to take next. i dont believe in suicide, i think thats for cowards, but i do believe in CRAZY shit to get one through a rough moment. its always in these crazy times, or whatever one can get himself into, that one can learn to define oneself, and understand the nature of his depression, and how to defeat it. this may sound extreamly stupid, but just think about it, and you will see what i mean. its always the worst experiences of our lives, that define us as a strong or weak person. if we have mental stability, however overrated that may be. if we have physical and emotional strength, enough to pull us through, and somehow, pull everything back together into a semi coherent state. im pondering my struggle i will endure on top of what i have already, and im getting ideas. but the more i think about it, i want something random to happen, so therefore i will not be prepared and i cannot cheat my situation. i feel like im sliding off on a tangent. anyways lets get back to the topic at hand, janna and my pretty much not being the person she thought i was, or im not good enough. it almost sounds...like childish, wait no....very unimportant in the grand scale of things when typing. it is when you say it out loud, several times, and then you think of what could have been, what you could be having with one of the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and down to earth girls, and how you blew it on some scale that cannot even be described by cosmic standards. then you realize, what the meaning of those words are. you realize this is some definate turning point in your life. i cannot even explain why this is so fucking important, we were together for like maybe 5 months. i did all my giddy puppy love shit when i was like 14, trust me, i spent 2 years with a girl like 12-14, i know. im not saying she is the one by any means. its just that i hate the idea, the notion, of being like hrmmm.............99% of the fucking problem with an awsome girl and not to mention, loosing her. if i could totally remove myself from her life, and her from mine, at this point i would seriously consider it. there are not many memories that can offset this load. so what i need to do is focus. focus on not repeating the mistakes that i have made. focus on changing the shit that i do. this will take time as these things do, but better now than anther post on this fucking blog, maybe a year or 2 from now, with the same story. well now what to do what to do, to finish off the night on some grand scale. my 2 options, ping pong at barnyes with josh, and possibly rami, even thought he invited my friend (female) to come over after he gets back from the bar, and he didnt invite me. maybe im taking it too personal, i just think he knows alot more than anyone else what is going on in my life right now. but whatever. option 2, riding with my other buddy josh in downtown houston. i ride street bmx, and i love it, and tonight, im thinking i can do anything i put my mind to. pain is just an illusion. we will see, either way i will try and make it interesting to say the least. im out. goodnight my friends
ps.. vids of me and 1 of josh so far, www.leetgeek.net/images/bikevids/ check it out!!!!