cant think of a damn title

well, that is pretty much how the night is going. i have seriously sunk to an all time low now. my head is just a fucking massive swirling of thoughts and general randomness. a chance arose for janna and i to possibly get back together, but that was quickly shot down. i have been trying to talk to her and just kinda talk about things, and i guess tonight was the night. lets start with a shitty fucking day, i woke up late and was 10 min late for my philosophy class, so i missed a reading quiz. in general im screwing up school lately. moving on... before i really loose it, janna and i went to see a movie, and im in an ultra depressed mood. so we ditch the movie because it sucks, and we discuss us on the way back to my house. ever get that feeling that u are a massive walking disaster, or fuckup might be a better term, but yea, know what im saying? i have been friends with her for the past 6 months,and i will always be a good friend to, but i will always have something in my heart for her. i cannot explain it. it seems that the more time passes and we remain friends, i realize what i really threw away, well, on my grand scale of fuckups, litterly nuked it. she pretty much told me all of my "wonderful" things i tend to do, that makes her not want to be in a relationship with me, not that i can say i blame her after what i heard. not really super super bad shit, but little things that make a person feel like they are not #1 in your life, add up fast. not to mention, i cheated on the girl. i know, i know. i know what you are thinking. yes, i have already thought of drowning myself in the toilet. so, with this new load of shit, i move on. i sit here, typing this, wondering what step to take next. i dont believe in suicide, i think thats for cowards, but i do believe in CRAZY shit to get one through a rough moment. its always in these crazy times, or whatever one can get himself into, that one can learn to define oneself, and understand the nature of his depression, and how to defeat it. this may sound extreamly stupid, but just think about it, and you will see what i mean. its always the worst experiences of our lives, that define us as a strong or weak person. if we have mental stability, however overrated that may be. if we have physical and emotional strength, enough to pull us through, and somehow, pull everything back together into a semi coherent state. im pondering my struggle i will endure on top of what i have already, and im getting ideas. but the more i think about it, i want something random to happen, so therefore i will not be prepared and i cannot cheat my situation. i feel like im sliding off on a tangent. anyways lets get back to the topic at hand, janna and my pretty much not being the person she thought i was, or im not good enough. it almost sounds...like childish, wait no....very unimportant in the grand scale of things when typing. it is when you say it out loud, several times, and then you think of what could have been, what you could be having with one of the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and down to earth girls, and how you blew it on some scale that cannot even be described by cosmic standards. then you realize, what the meaning of those words are. you realize this is some definate turning point in your life. i cannot even explain why this is so fucking important, we were together for like maybe 5 months. i did all my giddy puppy love shit when i was like 14, trust me, i spent 2 years with a girl like 12-14, i know. im not saying she is the one by any means. its just that i hate the idea, the notion, of being like hrmmm.............99% of the fucking problem with an awsome girl and not to mention, loosing her. if i could totally remove myself from her life, and her from mine, at this point i would seriously consider it. there are not many memories that can offset this load. so what i need to do is focus. focus on not repeating the mistakes that i have made. focus on changing the shit that i do. this will take time as these things do, but better now than anther post on this fucking blog, maybe a year or 2 from now, with the same story. well now what to do what to do, to finish off the night on some grand scale. my 2 options, ping pong at barnyes with josh, and possibly rami, even thought he invited my friend (female) to come over after he gets back from the bar, and he didnt invite me. maybe im taking it too personal, i just think he knows alot more than anyone else what is going on in my life right now. but whatever. option 2, riding with my other buddy josh in downtown houston. i ride street bmx, and i love it, and tonight, im thinking i can do anything i put my mind to. pain is just an illusion. we will see, either way i will try and make it interesting to say the least. im out. goodnight my friends
ps.. vids of me and 1 of josh so far, www.leetgeek.net/images/bikevids/ check it out!!!!

update

well i havent posted in a while. nothing happened with rita, not a damn thing. i didnt even go surfing. ran around in it a bit drunk, but that was all. nothing is really going on, just trying to sort shit out. seems like im doing that alot lately. time to unplug again. ill post a longer one later

hello rita

well here she comes, the indefinite, ready to smite us all here on the texas coast. the sad part is, im debating on whether i would stay and ride this bitch out, because i really want to, or should i head south for good surf. dammit decisions decisions. ahh i dont know what to do. whatever my decision, i think its gonna get a little crazy around here. for those of you not paying attention, here ya go.

If my.life <> "tropical" then call Unhappiness()

Haha, what a fitting title, dont you think? Well i have finished my book, "In search of Captain Zero", a wonderful book about surfing and a huge road trip south of the border, ending in costa rica. I sit here, trying to collect my thoughts, and try and pull them into some sort of coherent pattern, free them from their indefinently deranged order. I feel like a kid, staring at candy in a store, completely unable to decide what i want, and knowing that my window of time is ever growing smaller. This is an exact relation to my situation currently. Im staring in that window of opportunity, school, a career, surfing, my lust for foreign lands and travel, and my window of time, the time in which i can choose to submit to my wants and desires, or stay firmly planted in my ever so stagnant social situation; is growing smaller by the day. I feel the need for a good surf to relax me, and clear my thoughts. That moment when you drop down the face, make the bottom turn, launch yourself back up the face and down the line, is the most enlightening, head clearing, of any activity i have ever done. In the book i finished he mentions the term "seahabilitation". I know i have to stay focused in school, keep my job, and somehow keep my desires in check, until i have better view and hold on life. Im already in knee-deep in day dreams in school or any other spare moment, of my next wave i will catch, on some far and distant land. Will it be mexico, riding buses all over the country, spending weeks, maybe a month surfing every point on the coast, living in tents and hammocks? Will it be El Salvador, with her luring tales of uncrowded, world-class breaks, untamed jungles, warm and friendly people, the left over gun toting militants from her bloody civil war? Will it be Panama, with her pristine waters, uncrowded breaks, and ever further into that region south that is so untamed and natural? I have the next 10 months to think and flip quarters, try and maximize my wave count and adventure. Its a long road ahead, but thats what in essence makes even the worst of travels worth it.

costa rica pictures

and life moves on

"he just wanders around, unaffected by the winter winds and he'll pretend that he's somewhere else, so far and clear about two thousand miles from here" - Jack Johnson - Poor Taylor. That is a good summary of me and my life right now, and probably for a while. i went surfing today after class, just not that same feel as costa rica. the waves wernt working, and i was just getting frustrated but a few good rides, and i was just grateful to be in the water again. everything is moving at its own pace, me included. life is working its hands on me slowly, and i try and do like i do with the waves, and just work with it, and be one with it. its difficult to explain really, i guess im just in a little slump. there isnt really a reason for it, i just feel it. i can pull out and everything is great, but as soon as i let my mind wonder, there it is again, looming over me like a cloud. sure i have my health, im in school doing decent, i have a good job, great friends, parents, but i dunno. a part of me is missing. maybe the part of me, i left back in costa rica, when i boarded that plane. i left something there, something in that little town, on the beaches, in my hammock. maybe its a part of me i left with the people. my life is working like an old silent movie, and i go about my day, interacting where needed and wanted, and putting forth the effort to get out of bed, but somehow, im missing something in my heart. night after night i look at my costa rica pics, and i just try and remember that feeling i had when i was there, that piece of me i left, and i try and feel whole again. so many things in our lives, that we all wish we could change. i have so many, and the things i regret the most, are the people i have hurt in my past. all of these things combined, just cause this hole to grow, and become deeper, never to be filled. i keep looking at flights to costa rica, el salvador, panama, and just counting the days till im central america bound again. why is it that life and society tell us to do the things we love and want to do with our lives, but at the same time, it makes it so hard to do so? it tells us, pursue your dreams, do what you dream about, but yet it creates this invisible wall, an impenetrable force that holds us here, and keeping us "in the mix". slowly, i realize that im afraid. im afraid to pursue my dream, because our society says that our dreams are meant to be pursued, as long as they are appropriate and keep us responsible adults. im afraid to do the things i want to do with my life, because society and everyone in it will not accept my decions as being rational. the truth is, i want to run away. i want to roam the land, and explore the things that i have not seen. i want to live in a tropcial climate, and surf non stop. i want to see the world, without that "tourist" label on my head. i want to quit my job, take some time off school, and see just what is out there, and what it has to offer me. yet somehow, im afraid, and thats what saddens me so much. im afraid of my own dreams, and thats whats so damn pathetic. so here we are now, coming up on my 21st, and im still firmly planted in everything i have grown up knowing. sure i have enlightened myself way beyond normal comparison to other people, but what is enlightenment without experience? what good are these regrets i hold on to? where is my ding repair kit, to fix this hole i have in my heart? tomarrow i will wake up, and do it all over again, and live moves on.

wooooooooooooo

first and foremost, let me just say that i have had good news from my family in mississippi, everyone is ok. houses are a little screwed but everyone is ok. well...... last night, hahah where do i begin. too much to drink is a good summary of the night, i mean hell im still kinda fucked while im typing this. def buzzing right now. i got to rami's, had a shot of bacardi limon, 2 2shot screwdrivers, then off to barneys. we got there, i had a wet pussy or something, and then had a yager bomb. then i had like 2 pearl beers ($1 beer, you cant beat it hahaha), and then a kamakazi, then a beer bitch shot, then i think another pearl. learned how to play ping pong, and im fucking addicted. we left, raced some girls in a mercedes hahahaha, and then headed to wataburger. i dont remember much of the wataburger part, i feel asleep. then at rami's we are eating, and then i have another shot of bacardi limon, and i have another screwdriver. i start feeling a little wierd in my stomach. i dont even play with feeling sick, so i just forced myself to throw up in the sink, everything came out fine, and i felt great. cleaned the sink, and kept drinking. i think it might have been that greasy ass taquito that got it going hahaha. anyways, i passed the fuck out on the couch like 30 min later, it was too late for me, almost 6am. ahhhhhhhhhh anyways, wow. so whats up everyone? latest news in my life is that my bud brian i was gonna live with, well that might not be happening like i thought it would. im instead going to live with rami, and we are getting a place sometime a little around december or something. woooo im excited. everyone is invited to our parties we will have hahahaha. that means you DAMIEN AND STEPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok later guys im out

lucky lucky

well i havent posted in a while, not much is going on, just school and shit. i would really like to talk about the hurricane and everything that is the result of it. i almost lost a good deal of my family, i have slight confirmed reports that they are ok, nothing of their homes or anything. most of my family live in the small town of gautier, pronounced "go shay", mississippi. this is one of the coastal towns that have been destroyed. it is right next to biloxi and ocean springs. anyways, moving on, these fuckers, and i do mean FUCKERS from new orleans are starting to really piss me off. im literally thinking of grabbing my 30-06 and 22 rifle, and heading somehow to new orleans to "help" the national gaurd. this is BULLSHIT. everyone of those mother fuckers should just be shot, dont even takes names, just shoot. yes i agree relief should have been faster, i agree that blah blah, i agree with everything, but, YOU CAN ACT CIVIL. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS. so.....back to the same conclusion, they want to roam the streets with guns, robbing people, shooting cops... then just shoot the mother fuckers back. they want to act all hardcore and shit, oooooo big bad gangster, shoot that mother fucker. no more playing. my father is enroute to mississippi right now, with over 70 gallons of gas in th back of his truck, and may god help anyone who tries to rob him. (hes got alot of food as well, for my other grandparents, living in lucedale). i know hes carrying a pistol and a shotgun, and my little brother is with him. anyways, im thinking of going to the astrodome with a big fucking poster that says "SEND NEW ORLEANS TRASH HOME!!!!!" after i heard they are now fileing a lawsuit against houston for mis treatment and no cars/money or something like that. also being extreamly rude to houston PD. o well, such is life.